the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
