you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
God I need to hump something, right now.
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