my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
