I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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