just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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