3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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