Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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