I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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