I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
