Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize