My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
