My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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