Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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