I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
