Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
