I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
