new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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