Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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