Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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