Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
