I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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