I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I hope mine doesn't look like that
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
