Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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