I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
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