thus making me awesome and them whores
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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