Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
