I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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