Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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