Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I deserve this hangover.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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