remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
