God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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