Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
