Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
