i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
