Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Are my feet made of real feet?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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