The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
