just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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