I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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