Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
How does it feel to date your dad?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
