i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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