oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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