I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize