You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
