just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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