Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Randomize
