My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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