you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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