I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize