Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
