Your mouth is God's brothel.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
