how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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