naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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