Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
