I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize