Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
