If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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