Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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