my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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