just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
