I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
