he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
