so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
