Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
So much Jack, so little girl.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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