I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So much rum. So many feels.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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