Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
